Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Release...

It’s about quality
Not quantity
When it comes to friendships

This past summer has been the *most* trying summer of my life. I went through the lowest lows I’ve ever gone through in my life.

My life started on its 180 turn approximately around the time I celebrated my 28th birthday in May. I can recall having a few breakdowns for no apparent reason. One of which occurred spontaneously in front of three of my dearest friends – two of which I don’t get to see more than once a year…if that. I was mortified and embarrassed but so thankful to have such a close circle of friends who supported me and helped pull me through. No questions asked, just lots of smoooshes and tears and hugs.

It was also around that time that I started to realize how badly I needed the comfort of my friends. I am a pretty independent person and I have always found it hard to ask for help in any way, shape, form. The “fixer” role has always been mine, so to rely on others to help me pull through rough times was difficult.

Taking that first step to ask for help was hard. Actually…it was impossible. Thankfully I have a good group of friends who love me for me and can seemingly read me like a book.

When many others were gossiping and literally shutting their books with their stories involving Lex, a select few saw the struggles I was going to and reached out even when I tried to mask what I was going through. It’s difficult for me to appear weak around others so I try to put on a strong front. Big smiles, goofiness and laughter masqueraded the meltdowns I was having when I was by myself. Those select few saw past my mood swings, never judged me and always reached out…and reached out some more even after the times I avoided them.

The words of wisdom and advice offered by these amazing few were invaluable . My head was in such a tailspin – it was often hard just to make a simple decision such as “what bra should I wear with this shirt.” At the time I didn’t realize how deep into a rut I was falling but I’m telling you… I was nearing rock bottom… and did eventually hit rock bottom.

Summer was spent with many impromptu Starbucks visits full of laughter, deep conversations and tears. I was floating in between friends who were gracious enough to give me a roof over my head during this new and crazy time. Even though I was floating, I started to realize how lucky I was to have friends who would pull out all the stops to ensure I had a place to eat and sleep, and also try to get me to laugh a little.

Things now have settled. Well... they're settling. I am in a much better place but I still have several low days. The time I've been given has allowed me to sit back and reflect on what I want to spend time on in the future, and *who* I want to spend my time with in the future.

There have been several lines drawn in the sand over the past few months. A few friendships lost. Looking back, though, as sad as it is to lose a friend… there are just some people who aren’t deserving enough to be called one of my friends. That is terribly hard to come to terms with but I know I will be a much happier Lex in the end.

I’ve realized I’m not wasting time on people who mistreat me. Not wasting my time on people who jump to conclusions and those who judge me. If someone isn’t going to take the time to get to know me for me, then I am better off without them in my life.
Going forward I will be spending more time getting to know ME and spending more time with the people who mean most to me in my life. Those who don’t betray me, don’t judge me, and will stick with me through the very thick and the very thin times.

There’s no need for me to name names – you wonderful people know who you are and I'm not about to call anyone out. I may not say it enough, but I love you and cherish our friendship. You’ve shown me what wonderful friends you can be, now it’s my turn to do the same.

I may have a small circle of friends, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The quality is so much more important than the quantity.

4 comments:

Cat on October 6, 2010 at 3:37 PM said...

Couldn't agree more. You will get through these times, and as you know, I've been in a similar place, and you just need to keep doing what you're doing, and surrounding yourself with love and support. Your time, and love is worth so much, and I'm so happy that you see that, and that you're taking this time to get to know yourself again. It takes time, but is so rewarding.

You are so special, beautiful both on the inside and out, and a truly wonderful woman, and friend.

Hang in there Lex, you're doing great.

xoxo
C

Jaime on October 6, 2010 at 4:24 PM said...

I know we haven't talked, but I'm glad to see you posting and speaking out now. You know I'm here for you if and when you ever need another smoosh or shoulder. Love you girl, and so happy to see you settling in. It's tough, I know!

xox

Claudia on October 7, 2010 at 10:37 AM said...

xoxo
that's all!

hailey on October 25, 2011 at 6:23 AM said...

Hi, I came across your site and wasn’t able to get an email address to contact you about some broken links on your site. Please email me back and I would be happy to point them out to you.

Hailey William
haileyxhailey@gmail.com