Tuesday, May 20, 2008

BEWARE: I'm a maniac!

i'm sure that's what my boyfriend thinks. I have been literally going through crazy highs and lows the past few weeks. More lows than anything. My mood can change in an instant, and unfortunately he has to take the brunt of it.

It does have all to do about the job, and nothing else. It's hard for me not being able to be in control, and I have NO control over this. I'm going bizzerk though. The only days' I'm "ok" are the weekends because I know I wont' hear anything.

I keep hearing rumors of good news then not so good news from 3rd parties. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt until I hear something from the source. I still have to remember no news is good news, but c'monnn.

Anyway, I REALLY need to find ways to calm myself. I find my heart races all day, and I get twisty balls in the pit of my stomach. I know this isn't good for me, but i cannot control it.

I have NO patience for anything/anyone. I'm worried that I'll go apeshit on someone after losing control.

Today I felt awful all day at work (the heart racing, twisty tummy thing). I was SLAMMED at work today no thanks to the long weekend & my 'peer' being out of the office, and 1001 things being added to my plate. it was NOT a fun day! and then when I got home it continued. i got REALLY irritated with the HTML codes for blogger layouts and I freaked out when I couldn't change my blog layout to a non blogger layout and freaked out.
(see what i mean... silly silly things are making me lose it)

I went to lay down in my bed for a while. I layed on my knees with my ass in the air, and my face in my hands and just bawled. ( I knwo - awkward position, but it is something I kept with me through my childhood hahhaha).
After I had my crying fit, I went on a cleaning fit. I did the dishes, washed the cupboards, the stove, the toilet, the sink, the tub, the floors, etc, etc. I needed something to redirect my ugly feelings.

that didn't help.

Dave asked me if I wanted to talk about what is bothering me, and I said "I just dont know". I dont know how to talk about it. When I do, I think I get angry at him so fast even though he tries to help. sometimes he doesn't say much with bothers me also. Nothing is good enough for me.


I need suggestions on how to get rid of this rage.

I HAVE to get going to the gym again, but (stupid buts) I just haven't yet. I'm disappointed in myself, but I can't seem to get the desire to go.

I HAVE to find ways to not think about this job.


I hate feeling this way.

sorry for the downer post. I really needed to vent.

Stressed out humor


CaRoLyN on May 21, 2008 at 8:59 a.m. said...

So I've just spent the last hour at work reading up on your blog!

First of all...don't you HATE it when an possible employer takes forever to get back to you about a job. That is my pet peeve. It's so nerve wracking, coming home everyday to check the answering machine! Hopefully you hear something soon and hopefully, it's good news!

Saw your pics of Punta Cana. The resort looks really nice. WE met another couple at the aiport that were going to EdenH when we were down and they said they really liked it. I'm already planning another trip for next Spring. I love going down South!

I'll be back to check up on you again, thanks for stopping by my site!

Jenn on May 21, 2008 at 11:34 a.m. said...

I'm so sorry I've been missing for the last few weeks. I've been swamped at work. I've been keeping up with reading your blog though! I won't disapear again, I promise. :)

I completely know how you feel. It really sucks that the employer hasn't gotten back to you. Honestly, I think that you should just assume that you didn't get the job. I hate to say that to you, but it has been so long since the interview. I think you should give yourself closure with it and just assume you don't have it. And if in the end it turns out that you got it, you will be really plesantly surprised. I just hate to see you continue to worry about it and get worked up about it. Its time to move on dear.
I know that probably really sucks to hear because I know you are frustrated with your current job. Maybe you should start networking and looking at different companies and applying for other positions. It takes time to find a new job. When Matt switched jobs at the beginning of the year, it took him over 4 months to find a company that was a good fit for him. Give it time honey, good things will come your way, I just know it.

Is there anybody at home that you can talk to about how you've been feeling down lately? I think its important to work through negative feelings, and if you can't talk to Dave, you need to find someone that you can talk to. Even if that means talking to a doctor. I hate to see you so miserable, don't bottle it all up, get it out there. Of course you know that we are all here for you - and I would give you a huge hug now if I could!!!

I read something the other day that was really inspiring. It was in an email. I'm going to try to post it in a new comment because I think you would benefit from reading it. I really did - it was almost like a slap in the face.

Jenn on May 21, 2008 at 11:35 a.m. said...

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!"

"You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "...the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'"

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

**Well there is the message I was telling you about in my previous comment. I hope that you feel better soon. If you ever need to talk to someone - please don't hesitate to reach out to me. My email address is penny011@hotmail.com. Chin up darling, you'll get through this.

Shannon on May 21, 2008 at 12:07 p.m. said...

i am new to your blog and have been reading about your waiting for the potential employer to call you back. why don't you just call them????? if you want to read my blog, it is private but e-mail me and I will add you to the list. I hope you feel better soon and call themmmmm. :)

Jen on May 21, 2008 at 12:34 p.m. said...

Lex, I REALLY hope you hear from them soon!!! I hate that you are so full of anger and frustration right now...I don't quite know what to say...I WOULD say just cry it out! But you did that!!!

I really hope that things get figured out soon...and I agree, don't listen to what other people say...way to hear from them!!!

Cat_82 on May 21, 2008 at 2:27 p.m. said...

Oh Lex....I'm so sorry that you're going through such a stressful time. I really freaking hope they call you one way or another soon. You don't need this stress right now.

I went through a similar thing when I was dealing with diagnosing my anxiety disorder. It was horrible, and I always felt nervous and upset and irritable. It took a lot of work to get through, but Mike was there for me, as I'm sure your man is for you. I know it's hard and I'm really hoping that it will all melt away as soon as you hear about this job....

Try yoga. It totally de-stresses me.

eurydice on May 21, 2008 at 4:42 p.m. said...

that is so friggin' annoying about the job. i would do like shannon said and call them. the squeaky wheel gets the oil! also for combating rage and anxiety i can't say enough about exercise - i used to have problems with anxiety... but you wouldn't know it now. exercise has made me so calm and rational about everything. good luck!

ashley on May 21, 2008 at 11:39 p.m. said...

Ugh! I'm sorry this is happening!

1. Don't take on any new tasks- the blog can wait!

2. GET TO THE GYM! I think you know that will help. It will send happy-bugs all around you.

Feel better :-/